


my independence seems to vanish in the haze

by Flamingbluepanda



Category: Torchwood
Genre: A little? nothing super graphic, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Catharsis, Drama, Emotional release, Episode: s02e01 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, This is what happens when you build a relationship on sex and lies, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26009992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamingbluepanda/pseuds/Flamingbluepanda
Summary: Help me get my feet back on the groundWon't youplease, please help me?
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 7
Kudos: 58





	my independence seems to vanish in the haze

**Author's Note:**

> I.... I don't even know. Mal fucking mentioned Jack being shattered after TYTNW and I lost my goddamn mind and I'm super stressed about school and I need a cry and this came close but I still haven't cried.
> 
> Title and description is from help by the beatles. dedicated to Mal, who I love and Hate in equal measure (I'm just kidding mal ily even when you hurt me)

“Dinner, a Movie?”

Ianto can’t believe what he’s hearing. He can’t believe Jack would have the gall to- is he actually-

“Are you asking me out on a date?” Ianto asks, barely keeping the fury out of his voice. And Jack- Jack’s lip curls up into a little half-smile. “Interested?”

And the worst part- the worst part is that some distant part of Ianto, the part he locked away after Lisa, let out a little and then locked away  _ again  _ is crying. It’s the part of him who can admit he watched bond movies for the actor as much as the plot. It’s the part of him that begs to be let out, to say  _ yes, yes, anything, anything for Jack. _

Ianto’s father beat that part of him into submission, and it's with the same ferocity that ianto musters up the strength to say “fuck you, Jack.”

Jack flinches as if Ianto hit him, but Ianto can’t be arsed to  _ care.  _ Three months- no, no, this has been building up for over a year, ever since he had to slip into fucking  _ rent boy jeans  _ to get Jack’s attention. 

“Fuck you, fuck you for leaving, fuck you for assuming I  _ need you!  _ You can’t just come back here after abandoning us and, what expect me to open my legs like some fucking  _ whore?!” _

“Ianto I-” Jack starts, but Ianto cuts him off.

“Did you even consider that I might’ve found someone? Or fuck- that I don’t  _ need anyone!  _ Sweet innocent Ianto, who does stupid things for love- well fuck off, I  _ finally  _ found some goddamn agency of my own and I don’t need  _ you!” _

The final word rings through, and Jack- Jack looks absolutely shattered. Ianto staunchly ignores the wave of guilt that washes over him.

“... that’s a no then,” Jack says weakly, eyes darting about as he looks for an escape. “I, uh, the roof. It might be on the roof.”

“You're good on roofs. You should go.”

Jack hesitates “I don’t want to leave you alone in here-”

Ianto scoffs “Yeah, like that's stopped you before.”

Jack flinches, then leaves. 

Ianto waits ten seconds, then lets out a frustrated shout and kicks a desk hard enough that he hears something in his foot audibly crunch. He curses and hops around like a fool for a second, then deflates, adrenaline fading.

“Fuck,” he says, running a hand through his hair, “oh  _ fuck-” _

He’ll have to apologize. He really… well, he meant all of that, but as Ianto considers the haunted look that’s been lingering in Jack’s eyes for the last day, he probably could’ve been nicer about it.

“Wow,” said the bastard voice of John Hart, “I didn’t think you had it in you, eye candy.”

Ianto whirled around, finding him leaning against a door frame, gun casually pointed at him. 

“You know, I was gonna play a game with you,” John said, sounding bored. “And maybe I still will, but you hurt Jack, so,”

Ianto realized what was happening in a flash and dove as Hart  _ oh so casually  _ pulled the trigger. The bullet slammed into Ianto’s side, and Ianto shouted in pain as he hit the floor.

He watched the boots walk across the floor towards him in a daze. The tip of one nudged his cheek. Ianto glared up at him, left hand coming up to press against the wound on his right side. “Fuck… you…”

“That dizziness? that’s your lung collapsing.” John shrugged. “Maybe without his stupid little team, Jack will see sense.”

And then the boot snapped back and the last thing Ianto saw was it coming at his face.

* * *

Jack barely made it to the roof before his knees buckled and he started to cry. The gravel bit into his palms as he stopped his head from slamming into the ground- pointless, he knew, he could bash his head into the ground a hundred times and be fine. Didn't even sound like a bad idea at this point.

All he’d wanted, the  _ only  _ fucking thing he’d wanted for a  _ year,  _ was his team. His  _ family.  _ He wanted a hug from Gwen and a tease from Owen and a smile from Tosh and a kiss from Ianto goddamn Jones  _ so much  _ that he had literally  _ died  _ for it, over and over and over again.

He sobbed loudly, then pressed a hand to his mouth. He wanted to die, he wanted to die  _ so badly.  _ Even if it wasn’t today, or tomorrow, he wanted to grow old, wanted to spend a life with these insanely amazing people he’d gathered. The ones who would accept him,  _ love  _ him even…

Or, well, so he’d thought.

Ianto’s words hurt more than the master’s heated pokers and whips. And not a single one of them was incorrect- Jack  _ had  _ left him, and he  _ had  _ assumed Ianto would be waiting. He shouldn’t have been so casual, shouldn’t have assumed. He should’ve gotten down on his knees and begged and pleaded and  _ groveled  _ for Ianto’s forgiveness- it was no less than he deserved. 

He heard a gunshot and a shout from downstairs, and he quickly wiped his face on his sleeve and clambered to his feet. Ianto probably took out his remaining anger on John, the poor bastard. Jack knew how fierce Ianto could be when he was working off steam.

He did a quick scan of the perimeter, then turned to head downstairs and help Ianto with the body.

John was standing there. He wasn’t shot. He wasn’t even bleeding.

Dread seeped into Jack’s heart. He’d heard a gunshot. He could recognize the sound from anywhere. 

“So, here we are,” John smirked, grinning like the Cheshire cat. “You and me, just like old times, eh?”

“Where’s Ianto?” Jack asked, “and Gwen?”

“Bah, don’t worry about them,” John waved a hand, stepping closer. “I’ve taken care of them! Now you and me- we can go! No responsibilities, no tie-downs- just the glitz and glamour of the universe! Like we always dreamed!”

For the briefest of seconds, the pain of Ianto’s rejection welled up and he honest to god considered it- but then he thought about coffee. He thought about Owen’s laugh and Gwen’s beaming happiness as she talked about Rhys’ proposal. He thought about his warm office filled with old books and the king-sized bed with silk sheets at Ianto’s place.

Sure, he might never see that bed again. But maybe he could stay. Could be Ianto’s friend and hear his dry wit. Could watch Tosh get her first grey hairs and dote on Gwen and Rhys’ children.

“Your dream, maybe.” Jack said, scanning John. “now where’s…”

There was blood on his shoes, and suddenly Jack made an intuitive leap or two.

_ “No,”  _ Jack managed, voice sounding ragged, and John smirked. 

“He didn’t deserve you anyway.”

Jack suddenly snapped forward and punched him in the face, knocking him out cold with one furious punch. He didn’t even stay on the roof long enough to hear him hit the ground. He took the stairs two at a time, running into the office where Ianto broke his heart and skidded to a stop, horrified.

Ianto was bleeding. Ianto was bleeding badly onto the carpet and there was a wheeze to his breathing that indicated lung damage. His adorable  _ beautiful  _ nose was broken, and one of his cheeks was swelling. Jack had dreamed about the curve of that cheek, thought about kissing it after sex, and nuzzling him until he laughed. 

Jack needed to do something, but he hadn’t had a proper meal or sleep other than death in a year, and his brain was shorting the fuck out and Ianto was still  _ bleeding,  _ lying in a pool of his own blood. He was overlayed with a similar image, ianto on the floor of his stupid boiler room, Jack chained up not two feet away as Ianto leaked blood and brain matter across the floor and Jack screamed himself  _ hoarse- _

Jack’s knees buckled again, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“Help me,” he whispered, eyes darting around the room in terror. “Help me,  _ help me, oh god someone help me!” _

Jack let out an ugly sob that was more of a shriek, grabbing Ianto and shaking him. “Ianto, oh god,  _ Ianto,  _ please wake up, please, I  _ need  _ you, I can’t  _ do this  _ on my own!”

Jack sobbed more, bending in half over Ianto’s body. He bit down on his lip hard enough to bleed and the pain sparked through him, giving him just enough sense to breathe and  _ think. _

He reached up to the desk Ianto was lying next to, dialing 999 and holding the phone to his ear. 

_ “Emergency, what service?” _

“Ambulance,  _ please.” _

_ “One moment.” _

There was a beep, and a new voice said  _ “This is Marta with Ambulance services, what’s your emergency?” _

_ “ _ My boyfriend’s been shot,” Jack sobbed, uncaring about the word he was using. “Please, I need help.”

_ “Where are you? Help is on the way.” _

“Thank you,” Jack sobbed, “thank you so much.”

* * *

Ianto woke up to the sterile smell of hospital and the fuzzy veil of morphine. There was an odd tightness to his side, and when he shifted to touch it his numb fingertips brushed against the roughness of a bandage.

“Hey,”

Ianto gazed up through bleary eyes to look at Jack. His eyes were red-rimmed, and as Ianto looked around the room he saw Tosh and Owen asleep against one another in two chairs. Tosh’s was in a sling and Gwen was nowhere to be seen. Ianto frowned, trying to push through the muzzy feeling. “Gwuh…”

“Gwen’s fine,” Jack shushed, “she’s safe at home with Rhys. John got himself blown up after he broke back into the hub while we were all here.”

The words didn’t make much sense, but Ianto figured he could worry about it later. Jack ran a warm hand through his hair and suddenly Ianto felt himself start to cry.

“Hey,  _ hey,  _ it’s okay, what hurts-”

Jack reached for the call button, but Ianto just shook his head. “I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”

“Hey, shh, Ianto,”

“I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t mean it, I’m  _ sorry-” _

“Shh…” Jack thumbed a tear away, giving him a soft smile. “You  _ did  _ mean it-”

“No I didn’t!”

“You did, and that’s okay,” Jack soothed. He looked down, guilty. “You and I… I didn’t do right by you. We didn’t exactly start off… whatever this is on the shakiest of ground. We have a lot to talk about…”

He bent down to press the softest of kisses to Ianto’s forehead. 

“But I have time. And so do you. And I swear, I’m going to romance you within an inch of your  _ life  _ if you’ll let me.”

Ianto felt himself drifting off again. He was warm, and Jack smelled good.

“Don’t go,” Ianto pleaded softly. 

There was a lot to do. There were discussions to have, important ones. They didn’t know it, but in the future, there were dates and romance and growth and  _ healing,  _ all parts of a romance for the ages. 

“Never, not ever again,” Jack vowed.

And he didn’t. 

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr! www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com
> 
> bye! sorry.


End file.
